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May 24 2011

Marriage – why do we fear it?


A sudden uncontrolled feeling to pen my current state of mind. My current thoughts. My current perspective. My current opinion. About marriage and why we say ‘no’ to it.

Lets face the fact, marriage is one word which has an universal bag of mixed responses. Every one is entitled to an opinion. Sometimes it is their own. Most times it is a borrowed concept. But all the time (almost all the time) it is the in-style statement. A “No” to marriage is in vogue. Why? Typical responses are –

C’mon man! One person for life? Kidding me?!
Dude, I am not cut-out to be a marriage material
I am yet to settle down, bro
Still so much to achieve, yo! Not yet
I am happy the way I am, buddy” (the best, in my list)

But the underlying truth, I think, is “FEAR.” The fear of unknown. The fear of change. The fear of ‘what if.’ The fear of losing control over your life or rather sharing control with another.

Fear of “unknown”
Fear of ‘unknown’
Needless to say, so was I. I was also scared of this ultimate ‘sharing’ of myself with another & more scared of sharing their life with mine. Actually, I am still scared.

  • What has the future in store for me? for us?
  • I will not change myself after marriage……. should I?
  • I will not be able to spend time with myself after marriage…
  • I do not know what is her true-self!
  • Okay, now you want me to forcefully start a relationship with someone? (if its an arranged marriage)

These are the manifestations of the ‘fear of unknown.‘ It is something that plagues many minds. Quite a few can overcome these with an optimistic outlook but never the less they exists. And, when it comes to marriage (esp in India, where marrying more than once is still frowned upon) these questions can screw up a perfectly positive mind because everyone wants to take these decisions only once.

Fear of “what-if”
The other biggest fear. The other mighty beast to conquer before the final step. The other biggest set of questions that cloud our mind from thinking clearly. The question that begins with ‘what-if’…

  • What if I am a mess and so is she, can you guess what would happen if we both get together?!!
  • What if it does not work out?
  • What if we were _NOT_ meant to be with each other?
  • What if I am not able to share my feelings with her?
  • What if….
  • What if….
  • What if….

Is it even possible to find answers for these questions? Is it even possible to stop these questions from cropping inside you? The fear of ‘what if’ is probably the most difficult one to over-come, I would concur.

Other fears

fear

I can go on & on about the various similar fears within us:

  • fear of change and the reluctance to break out of comfort zone.
  • fear of additional of responsibility. well, we don’t fear responsibility but the sudden u-turn in our life esp from a responsibility perspective is not welcome.
  • fear of failure. the innumerable divorces around & (in many cases) the past relationships have introduced a fear of failure inside us. Why would we bang onto a wall head-first when we know its gonna pain? Though this time it might not be a hard-wall but a soft-cushion but we don’t wanna take the risk.
  • fear of uncomfortable home. having seen/heard parents fight & argue so much sometimes being alone seem a better option.
  • finally, that-other-girl-is-hot-I-shall-wait option. This is just an add-on! More like a feature a few guys seem to come with. Actually, its a fictitious idea occupies a guy’s head! 🙂 The girl in the office is hot & smiles at me, may be I might hit a relationship with her. I shall wait. Or that girl I saw at the shopping mall is nice, I shall… Or that girl I was introduced to… Or that girl… Or that girl… this need not necessarily be a reason to avoid marriage but, yeah, men are crazy! 🙂
  • so on & so forth.

“I” in front eye clouds the “V”
Perspective of “I”

But, all of the above are from a very selfish perspective. From the perspective called ‘I’. As long as we are looking through the “I” glass all of the above are well accepted and understood. As long as “I” stands in front of our eyes, the above manifestations are valid and need to be addressed at the very earliest.

This “perspective of I” would always plague us, wouldn’t it? We cannot let go of it, for it is a born quality in men. But, unless we let go of this ego-centric view of life, we will never be able to share life with a girl. The unconditional love would remain fictitious as long as “I” plagues our thoughts. But then thats bachelorhood. The “I.” The “me.” The “self.” But, the question is – is the ‘perspective of I’ the major factor or are we giving it more importance than it deserves? Is there more than just this that stops us from committing?



Yet marriage happens!

If this was to be the case…
       …if everybody is looking through the ‘perspective of I’…
       …if everybody is bothered and concerned only about themselves…
       …if everybody is self-centered….
       …if everybody is not ready to sacrifice the freedom…
       …if everybody is bound by the fear…

How are marriages happening? Shouldn’t marriage be an extinct ritual of the cave-men? Logically & in theory, yes but reality shines light in different direction. In fact, totally in the opposite direction. Marriages do happen. In fact, successful marriages are still aplenty. Including, the so called, more-advanced western countries, marriages have not lost its sheen. How?


My mind wandered….
      …for days
      …for weeks
      …for months
      …for over an year.
 And, still it is not home-bound with an answer.
The journey continues…

About the author

Praveen

2 comments

  1. Rohini

    Shaadi ka laddoo, khao toh pachtao na khao to pachtao!!!

  2. saka

    Can't agree more with Rohini. But Dude, every one goes thru this. SO Chill. Best part is , post marriage you won't put a post like this ( because you will stop thinking 😀 )

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